So Megan, I really appreciated your version of this, & I wanted to write my own basically for my benefit, because I like writing these things out of me, but I guess you can read it too since you're pretty much the only other one. =)
So I've been on about zero dates in my life. Let me explain.
I was in 7th grade when I met Kyle and his best friend Greg. I remember the exact day, which is rare, because I forget most things. We were sitting in the art room, waiting to meet our new Destination Imagination teammates, which I was kind of afraid of because I didn't know either of them, they were just the sons of some friends of my mom, who was our team manager. I always remember that day & marvel at how I was completely oblivious to the ginormous role these two guys would play in my life.
Soon we became the 3 best friends, and everyone knew it. In band, we always hung out together. But for Kyle and I, it was a little different than for me and Greg. People started calling Greg Kyle sometimes when I was with him, because they were so used to saying Kyle & my own names together. I knew it was bad when one day Greg inadvertently referred to himself as Kyle when trying to mean himself and I, because he used Kyle & my names together so often. Everyone just assumed we were dating, even though we weren't. No one even asked, until it came up in conversation and I'd have to correct their assumption for them. I hoped we'd date someday, but I was fine with being friends... Kyle was my best one ever, I think.
The beginning of my senior year was amazing, and my hopes for more than just best-friend-ship were seemingly more possible than ever. Then Christmas break hit... and he was gone all break plus two more weeks in Germany on a service mission for his church. Then his church youth conference he begged me to attend... and the Spirit was there, telling me to get out. Then our trip to New York... when everything fell apart. That's what I wrote my
first paper for English on. Things were weird after that, we kind of talked, but not at all like we used to. After a while, I got sick to my stomach when I thought about him, and I dreaded opening his texts because they would undoubtedly be talking about our "unresolved issues". Then came our spring musical, in which we were acting opposite... which at first I was thrilled about, but as events progressed until closing night, I was crying offstage beforehand and letting my rehearsal brain take over for smiling and interacting with him onstage. Then was our cast party afterwards, which went into my birthday morning, and it was pretty much the worst birthday ever invented. I stayed up until 3 answering his "let's resolve our issues" texts after the horrendous party until finally I said it was my birthday and I wanted to go to sleep. Sometime in the days and weeks after that, I avoided him mostly. One week I avoided him completely... we used to sit at lunch together each day, even through the hard days, but that week I managed to skip lunch in the cafeteria one way or another. Thank goodness for my band director, who let me stay in his office even though he probably shouldn't have. I didn't even have to explain, I just asked, and I guess he could tell something was wrong, because he asked Kyle later what was up, that it looked like I was "hiding from something". I kept needing space from Kyle, to get over him completely, but Kyle wouldn't do it, so I stayed away for a week. I think BYU's been good for me in that way at least.
So I met this one guy at Youth Conference sometime in between the me & Kyle years during high school. I don't even remember the circumstances, except that we exchanged email, myspaces, etc. and began to talk... a lot. It was common for us to have 3 different conversations going on at once, one each through email, facebook, and IM. We thought we loved each other, but I realized I couldn't talk to him in person... I was too nervous. I realized this when on Valentine's Day, he drove all the way over to my house to give me a card, even though I tried to persuade him not to. It was again reinforced when the next summer, we went to Busch Gardens together with his brother & my sister. It ended up swell for our siblings, who got together, but not for us, since it was so awkward. I just didn't know what to say. And that next youth conference, we didn't talk at all. He hung out with this girl I used to have sleepovers with back in elementary school who since moved to another ward. I was mostly relieved. We hadn't talked in months and months until I facebooked him a couple weeks ago, just to say a friendly hey, sorry communication got held up, etc. Somehow we got into how much he still liked me. I told him I don't know if I like him or just being liked. I guess I still don't know what I'd say to him in real life.
And then there's the tenor player who was placed next to me all last year during marching band season. We are so much opposites, but I liked his craziness... it kept me in suspense. It was intriguing, you know? I wanted to know him better. On the field, we were both section leaders, and we kept each other in check. We called ourselves yin and yang, the good cop and the bad cop. He'd yell at some poor freshmen, then I'd restate the problem to them nicely so they'd actually want to fix it. We were a good team. At one point he started writing me love notes. They were very polite and formal, and I thought they were a joke. I felt embarrased, and Kyle and I laughed about them. But then he started sticking up for me all the time to people. I had some bad times with people and Mormonism, and he'd always tell me that I knew where he was, and he would beat them up for me anytime. We've since been writing... he's really the only person from home I write, which to most people at home would seem inconceivable since we're so different. What he tells me, I still don't know if I should believe it, I'm paranoid of being caught in a hoax or something. I just don't know if he knows how to charm the ladies, or if there's something more.
Ok, so those weren't really about the non-existent dates in my life, but hopefully these small excerpts of my man issues get the job done, at least for now. See my reasons for needing a man here? =(
