The Me's I Could Have Been

Sometimes I wonder how the "History Teacher" Me won-out. I don't remember a gigantic earth-shaking moment when I just *knew* being a teacher was my destiny. There's lots of things I think I could enjoy as a career instead. I don't think that diminishes the choice I did make to become a teacher, it just sheds light on more facets of my character.

I remember when I was younger I would read stories about outstanding young people that were super smart, or an Olympic athlete, or climbing Mount Everest when they were 10. I remember being anxious because I was running out of time to be special for being young and doing something amazing. Soon whatever I did wouldn't be extraordinary anymore; it'd just be within the norm. I never became a famous author or actress before I was 12, but I did plant the seeds of many of my most favorite parts of me during those years.

Author - This was the first career I remember desiring. I realized it probably wasn't the most viable after I started dozens of stories but got so tired I couldn't get to my great climatic idea fast enough that I gave up after a few pages.

Dancer - This is one concept I haven't thought seriously about in some time, but when I was growing up I danced all the time. I took several types of dance classes like jazz, tap, ballet, and gymnastics over 10 years. I still love dancing after all this time, but I quit the classes because we weren't learning anything new -- just rearranging old steps into new dances, and it got boring. I knew I was good, partly because I picked up on new things quickly, but I didn't put in the practice here I would have needed to be great.

Actress - I'm still not sure how this part of me came into being. My freshman year of high school, I remember walking by the posters for the Spring Musical and feeling an instant wave of fear. But by the next year, I insisted that I wanted to do community theater, and I started auditioning for all musicals and plays at school. It was glorious once I got into it!

Musician - There was a time that I was very into playing music; I was extremely involved in band, took a Music Theory class, and had even taken a lesson or two on multiple instruments. I knew I was good, but I also knew I also wasn't spectacular -- I didn't have the drive to practice like I needed. I was content with my natural skill and didn't push myself further. I did always think it would be amazingly awesome to be a player on movie soundtracks, though.

Photographer - For a while I was very into photography and tried to take "artsy" photographs of everything. Then everybody was into photography, and now the whole world is into photography thanks to instagram, so it seemed uncool to pretend I was really amazing at it. I even jobshadowed a photographer in high school.

Journalist/Magazine Writer - This was something I never considered until entering Journalism class my Junior year of high school. (I only chose it over Yearbook because everyone knew the Yearbook staff was kindof snobby... and you had to walk across the street to get to their class.) I ended up absolutely loving it, especially designing layouts. I got pretty adept at Adobe Indesign, and I remember working on a layout and the rest of the staff standing behind me saying it was awesome. They entered one of them into a contest.... hmmm, I never heard anything else about that contest, now that I think about it.

Personal Assistant - I never considered this career until a friend in Advertising commented that I would make a good one, because I often can anticipate people's needs and fill them ahead of time. I call it good Mom skills. Friends have also told me that I can word things very tactfully, and would often come to me to ask an authority figure for something. (This seems to be a skill that turns itself on and off... because I know I am definitely not always tactful.) I can also write very professional letters. One time for a club in high school, I wrote a letter to a business asking for a monetary contribution, and one teacher made me bring it to her to check before I sent it out. She read it over expecting it to be awful and was like, "... Oh. That looks good."

Full-time Blogger/DIY Maven - This is more of a pipe dream, since obviously I cannot write blog posts regularly to save my life. But I like the idea of being a stay-at-home mom and using that time to have a regular outlet for my creative side. I like the idea of being connected to other women and feeling that I could help or inspire them in some way. I wish I had more qualifications to become an awesome blogger in some area of design or crafts. (Secret: I don't consider myself creative, just a great piggy-backer! I borrow ideas I see and just tweak them a little.)

I guess the "teacher me" developed in the background of all the years of trying on those other personas. From elementary school teachers would ask me to lead other students or help them one-on-one. I always enjoyed learning and creating, and somehow in high school I just knew I wanted to be a teacher.

In many of my teaching interviews, people have asked me why I wanted to be a history teacher specifically. I have come up with several answers to that question, but none of them really seemed to resonate with me. Over the past year I have reflected on that dilemma, and have come to the conclusion that it is not necessarily history itself that I love; it is teaching. History is something I feel comfortable with, but feels somewhat like only a vehicle for my real passion. At first, I felt bad for that, feeling like I wasn't dedicated enough to history itself to teach students well. But I have found that my passion for teaching picks up the slack in my passion for history, so hopefully it translates into something great for students. Instead of looking at this revelation as a hindrance, I have come to view it as an open door to feeling successful at whatever teaching opportunities may come to me in the future, either in my family, church, or community.

Looking back on these pieces of me makes me somewhat disappointed in myself for never working hard enough at any of those things to be really good, but then I consider the work I've done to become a good teacher, and I feel like I have accomplished something with hard work in my life after all. (With much more hard work to come!)

What a Difference a Year Makes

Lately my roommate Megan and I have found ourselves continually drawn to the topic of how satisfied we are with our lives... not that we talk about things in those terms, but the things we do discuss have been integral factors in our general life satisfaction. Since moving out of The Provs (nevermind, can't really give Provo a nickname I guess), life has been very different for us here in our little farm town. (SPOILER ALERT: Megan and I are currently working on a new blog about single life in our farm world. Working title: "It Stinks." Don't worry, it'll be more positive than it sounds. Though it does stink awfully out here because of the wild turkey farm nearby.)

Earlier this week we were discussing a quite frustrating situation that's only grown since we moved in, and is exacerbated by our distance from our friends and family in Provo. We had a nice rant about it, and then I joked that I had written about a precipitating event in this calamity in my journal last year. Well, out comes the journal and it has been exactly a year to the day that this infamous first event went down.

After we had a good hearty laugh/cry about that one, I started thinking. Not much had progressed on that front in a year, but what had I done differently? In some ways I think I've moved forward, but in others I've moved back. I've traded in college-student drama for middle-schoolers' drama. I've given up my comfortable circles of friends and associates for men at church we've taken to labeling with "Creepy" before their name (e.g. Creepy Mustache, Creepy Rob, etc.). Granted, I now have an adult job, but even that feels like it's not real, like I'm only an adult for 4 hours every other morning.

I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I can't avoid this feeling of stagnancy. After our hilarious/horrific realization on the one year anniversary of this significant incident, Megan and I decided we needed to do something different. We brainstormed a nice list of possible new things that would get us out and about. (Please note, because this is technically a "brainstorm," all things that were suggested were written down, in order to preserve the flow and creativity of the process.)

Either this blog or "It Stinks" will provide an update on our adventures. :) Wish us luck as we do something about our new, stinky* lives!

*seriously, things don't stink that bad in perspective. just the turkey farm.

It's Time.

This blog used to be called theta. There wasn't really a purpose behind that; just the memory of the superficial joy I had in writing the symbol theta in high school math problems. (I'm a nerd, I'm aware.) Yesterday I was watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent and Goren said that the symbol theta represented death.

This started another round of name-planning, since, in fact, I do not want my blog to represent death. When I started thinking about it, though, it seemed a very fitting time to make a change. Yesterday was also my last day of student teaching. Today is a study day before my last finals week, during which I have no finals, because I was student teaching. Next week I will graduate after five wonderful years at BYU. In two weeks I will be back at home with my parents and no definitive plans to move elsewhere or begin a career.

Times are changing. It's hard to fathom that it's actually time for me to be an adult. I've begun to feel that feeling of terror that comes from not knowing what will happen next.

I wish I had some new and novel way to explain these pretty cliche feelings, but I got nothing. Nothing except time -- time to think, time to plan, time to worry, time to wait, time to grow. Thus, chronos was born.