The Me's I Could Have Been

Sometimes I wonder how the "History Teacher" Me won-out. I don't remember a gigantic earth-shaking moment when I just *knew* being a teacher was my destiny. There's lots of things I think I could enjoy as a career instead. I don't think that diminishes the choice I did make to become a teacher, it just sheds light on more facets of my character.

I remember when I was younger I would read stories about outstanding young people that were super smart, or an Olympic athlete, or climbing Mount Everest when they were 10. I remember being anxious because I was running out of time to be special for being young and doing something amazing. Soon whatever I did wouldn't be extraordinary anymore; it'd just be within the norm. I never became a famous author or actress before I was 12, but I did plant the seeds of many of my most favorite parts of me during those years.

Author - This was the first career I remember desiring. I realized it probably wasn't the most viable after I started dozens of stories but got so tired I couldn't get to my great climatic idea fast enough that I gave up after a few pages.

Dancer - This is one concept I haven't thought seriously about in some time, but when I was growing up I danced all the time. I took several types of dance classes like jazz, tap, ballet, and gymnastics over 10 years. I still love dancing after all this time, but I quit the classes because we weren't learning anything new -- just rearranging old steps into new dances, and it got boring. I knew I was good, partly because I picked up on new things quickly, but I didn't put in the practice here I would have needed to be great.

Actress - I'm still not sure how this part of me came into being. My freshman year of high school, I remember walking by the posters for the Spring Musical and feeling an instant wave of fear. But by the next year, I insisted that I wanted to do community theater, and I started auditioning for all musicals and plays at school. It was glorious once I got into it!

Musician - There was a time that I was very into playing music; I was extremely involved in band, took a Music Theory class, and had even taken a lesson or two on multiple instruments. I knew I was good, but I also knew I also wasn't spectacular -- I didn't have the drive to practice like I needed. I was content with my natural skill and didn't push myself further. I did always think it would be amazingly awesome to be a player on movie soundtracks, though.

Photographer - For a while I was very into photography and tried to take "artsy" photographs of everything. Then everybody was into photography, and now the whole world is into photography thanks to instagram, so it seemed uncool to pretend I was really amazing at it. I even jobshadowed a photographer in high school.

Journalist/Magazine Writer - This was something I never considered until entering Journalism class my Junior year of high school. (I only chose it over Yearbook because everyone knew the Yearbook staff was kindof snobby... and you had to walk across the street to get to their class.) I ended up absolutely loving it, especially designing layouts. I got pretty adept at Adobe Indesign, and I remember working on a layout and the rest of the staff standing behind me saying it was awesome. They entered one of them into a contest.... hmmm, I never heard anything else about that contest, now that I think about it.

Personal Assistant - I never considered this career until a friend in Advertising commented that I would make a good one, because I often can anticipate people's needs and fill them ahead of time. I call it good Mom skills. Friends have also told me that I can word things very tactfully, and would often come to me to ask an authority figure for something. (This seems to be a skill that turns itself on and off... because I know I am definitely not always tactful.) I can also write very professional letters. One time for a club in high school, I wrote a letter to a business asking for a monetary contribution, and one teacher made me bring it to her to check before I sent it out. She read it over expecting it to be awful and was like, "... Oh. That looks good."

Full-time Blogger/DIY Maven - This is more of a pipe dream, since obviously I cannot write blog posts regularly to save my life. But I like the idea of being a stay-at-home mom and using that time to have a regular outlet for my creative side. I like the idea of being connected to other women and feeling that I could help or inspire them in some way. I wish I had more qualifications to become an awesome blogger in some area of design or crafts. (Secret: I don't consider myself creative, just a great piggy-backer! I borrow ideas I see and just tweak them a little.)

I guess the "teacher me" developed in the background of all the years of trying on those other personas. From elementary school teachers would ask me to lead other students or help them one-on-one. I always enjoyed learning and creating, and somehow in high school I just knew I wanted to be a teacher.

In many of my teaching interviews, people have asked me why I wanted to be a history teacher specifically. I have come up with several answers to that question, but none of them really seemed to resonate with me. Over the past year I have reflected on that dilemma, and have come to the conclusion that it is not necessarily history itself that I love; it is teaching. History is something I feel comfortable with, but feels somewhat like only a vehicle for my real passion. At first, I felt bad for that, feeling like I wasn't dedicated enough to history itself to teach students well. But I have found that my passion for teaching picks up the slack in my passion for history, so hopefully it translates into something great for students. Instead of looking at this revelation as a hindrance, I have come to view it as an open door to feeling successful at whatever teaching opportunities may come to me in the future, either in my family, church, or community.

Looking back on these pieces of me makes me somewhat disappointed in myself for never working hard enough at any of those things to be really good, but then I consider the work I've done to become a good teacher, and I feel like I have accomplished something with hard work in my life after all. (With much more hard work to come!)

"Silvery-Toed Slippers of Snow"

(this post brought to you by inspiration of Kurt.)
I love winter. Especially here in Utah, where it's actually all the goodness of winter, not just the annoying aspects. Here's why:

I love cold. It gets cold, and cold makes you have to bundle up and you feel all cozy and warm and safe and peaceful. When you go outside, the cold snaps at your face and makes you feel alive and awake and bright. Your cheeks get rosy, which make you look smiley and happy inside.

I love Christmas. I love Christmas traditions and being with my family. I love putting up Christmas decorations and coming home to a more friendly house, because there's trees sparkling from inside the windows. I love the quietness I feel when I just lay on the couch, lights off, watching the Christmas tree. Christmas just brings peace and joy. The present opening isn't even my favorite so much anymore, I just absolutely love the Christmas feeling that is everywhere after Thanksgiving. It's cheesy, I know, but really... I don't think I'm alone in this Christmasy attitude.

I love Christmas music. There's something about it; I guess it just makes me carry my Christmasy love with me all day. I get excited and energized and so happy inside. Christmas is love! Christmas is glee! Christmastime begs exuberance, and Christmas music just stocks up my energy storage tank for the day.

I love snow. The white makes everything look magical and mystical and peaceful and so quiet. It's like a blank canvas for thinking as I walk along through it. It quiets everyone and everything down, making them take a moment to stop and consider the wonder that is Christmas. I feel like I'm the one blessed person in the world when it snows.

I love food. And winter is the season of eating. Who cares what you eat, it's winter! It's Thanksgiving! It's Christmas! Wonderful, delicious, time-consuming treats show your appreciation of the season! Winter's so great, it deserves being enjoyed while snacking on delectable chocolate, cookies, baked goods, and hot cocoa.

I love decorations. Lights, trees, wreaths, candles, and bows, I love it! It's like a big unifying tradition of love; I love Christmas, you love Christmas, our houses decorated together make Christmas all the more happy. We share in a tradition no matter how different we may be. I also love visiting the temple to see the lights and displays... Beautiful!

Longer

Every Christmas since I can remember, Dad's given me a "book bag" filled with all sorts of books, DVDs, CDs, piano books, the like. This Christmas he gave me a CD by a boy named Darin Southam... I assume he's LDS, but I thought I knew what he would be and so I just hadn't been in the mood to listen to it. But recently, after his "Pie Jesu" came up on my Quiet Music shuffle list one time, I've been stuck on it, and him in general. He's not really phenomenal, but I guess these past few days have just lent itself to him. I realized I loved the songs he sings; "The Valley Clear", "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge, "What A Wonderful World", and especially "Longer". I recognized that I had heard the song before, but I can't believe it hadn't touched me like it did before. I think it's so beautiful, and perfect for an LDS audience; because love really is eternal, in both directions... I like to think that just as we will love and be with our future spouse after we die, we loved them and knew them in the pre-mortal life, too. We just have to find them here.

Longer than there've been fishes In the ocean
Higher than any bird ever flew
Longer than there've been stars
Up in the heavens
I've been in love with you.

Stronger than any mountain cathedral
Truer than any tree ever grew
Deeper than any forest primeval
I am in love with you.

I'll bring fires in the winters
You'll send showers in the springs
We'll fly through the falls and summers
With love on our wings.

Through the years as the fire starts to mellow
Burning lines in the book of our lives
Though the binding cracks and the pages start to yellow
I'll be in love with you.

Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean
Higher than any bird ever flew
Longer than there've been stars
Up in the heavens
I've been in love with you
I am in love with you...

Pandora to Pass the Time

So, fun times, I opened my recently created Pandora to serenade me as I blogged. As each of these 5 songs played, I wrote just a little on whatever the title inspired me. It was cool to write again, no matter how little...


1. A Dark Congregation - [the Hush Sound]

Charlotte quietly opened the door of the chapel. She looked around, stepped in, and froze. The door swung shut behind her, in desperate need of some WD40. She cringed as it squeaked and silently shuffled to a stop. Was it her imagination, or did the blackened chapel just seem wrong? She half expected some man creeper to be sitting in a pew, praying (or would it preying?) like she'd seen so often in the movies.

2. Everybody Glows - [Randall Bramblett]

Looking down the road, everybody was doing it. Everybody was with somebody. Everybody had that glow of happiness about them. Raelyn sighed, scuffed her Rocket Dogs in the dirt, turned away from the Glowing People of Joy and started off towards home. Alone. She hoped no one saw her; actually, she expected that to be the case... but alas, someone had seen her. He looked over; to him, her glow only increased as he smiled at her. Not that she could see him, but he hoped that she would someday realize.

3. So Much Love - [the Rocket Summer]

Why couldn't she just hate her? Honestly. Hating wasn't that hard, was it? She had everything; the hair, the friends, the clothes, the grades... the epitome of hateness. If there was anyone on this planet to hate, Reese would be it. So why couldn't she hate her? Okay, maybe not even hate... just loathe? Dislike? Avoid, at least? Please, said Kia, looking up at the sky, please, just let me feel like normal people do. Loving is harder than you thought.

4. Voices - [Justin Lanning]

She couldn't turn them off - everywhere she went, she heard the girl the boy walking by was talking to on the phone. She heard the mom worrying about the girl she was walking next to to the Testing Center. She heard the curiosity of old schoolmates about a pair of twins she passed. She tried to keep her eyes down, so she wouldn't look at anybody and then hear what anyone in the world was thinking about them at that moment... so when she saw him, it was a relief. Or, after a moment, it really wasn't. It bothered her. Why didn't she hear anything when she looked at him? How sad it must be to not have anyone thinking about you...

5. I'll Run - [The Cab]

"I'll run." She whispered, tears dripping down her face. His hands clamped around her arms didn't allow her to wipe her face dry; but the tear tracks only added to the image of her stand. "Finn, please, let me go. Have faith." She choked out the last words, turning her head away from him. Finn gripped her arms tighter, then pulled her close. She felt his tears fall to her head, and she hugged him tightly for the last time... so tightly. "Have faith." She repeated hoarsely. "You too." Finn whispered back.

Freedom

The best advertising manager ever:

We walked by the Orca booth earlier this morning after English, & picked up a handful of these pins and ran away feeling kind of bad. But when we came back to campus later, they were just refilling the stores & said they had tons of boxes more, so we didn't feel bad grabbing at least 20 more. We feel kind of obligated to find out what Orca is now, since we took so many of their pins... (my favorites: pro, fab, nifty, savvy, ace, frazzled, hero... oh, & SUPAFLY -- funny story) Oh, the wonders of free stuff. =)

Yesterday was exciting, even though we were running around all day. Asia & I got our tickets for "Dial 'M' for Murder" (& I met her hilarious friend Evan), & I picked up a BYUarts program of all the events throughout the year. This is what I discovered:

... the best thing ever. =) I love how diverse BYU is... tuba weekend!! so awesome. I also asked for instructions on how to sign up to volunteer to usher/etc. in order to get free tickets. Right when I got home, I got online & signed up to work at the Choral & Instrumental Showcases, Pericles, & Don Giovanni, which we need to see for Hum 101 anyway. I'm so excited; I'll get to see everything I want to without having to pay all the ticket prices!! My coworker Kylie and I were talking about it at the Testing Center today, & she said a guy in her ward always took girls on dates to those events, because when you sign up you can ask for 2 spots so a friend can accompany you. =) I thought that was smart. All our Hum 101 class goes to World of Dance tomorrow night...

I am so excited! Especially since today in class we watched clips of different dance styles in preparation... Mikhail Baryshnikov, Riverdance, Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers, West Side Story... and this ballet scene from the movie "Brain Damage". I'm glad she showed us a humorous take as well. =) Dancers are so crazy! They are so flexible & work so hard & make their sport look so easy. Talk about self-discipline... dance is AMAZING. I knew that before, but to look at it from more of an analytical point of view rather than just an entertainment standpoint really reinforced it.

Grandma flew in yesterday, and we're all doing something tonight I believe. =) I have Book of Mormon study group after Organ class today... & today's the day of the big Hymn Project to play for Shinji. =\ We'll see how that goes... I went over to the organ room to practice for a little bit today after visiting the library for the first time ever.... we chilled in the Anthropology section for Audrey. =) & I actually got some work done, it was very good. When I'm on campus & have time to study, I plan on going in the library more often.

As a sidenote from last week, I love how this town loves us. I guess I don't really know what other normal college towns are like, but every business here has BYU fan gear... it's great. =)


Helpful Hint of the Day: Best place on campus for chocolate chocolate chip muffins is the entrance vending machines in the testing center. Just figure out how to work the turny-open-the-door machines first in private before you look stupid in public.

A Night Out

So Asia did beautifully at BYU Idol... she sang "The Wizard & I" from Wicked, and she didn't make any mistakes at all. Everyone else in the competition did.



I thought it was really cool that many of our family home evening guys & many other guys from the ward came to support her... very sweet. =) Nate and Alex even came in late because they had a class, and even though they missed Asia's performance, they stayed a while. We have nicer guys in our ward than I thought.

So she didn't get in on the decibel level thing, partly because both Alyssa & I were not in our prime yelling states, but after the show the host guy who helped tally the votes came up to Asia & said she was a very good chance for a wildcard. I thought that was cool of him to come tell her that. After the show, we hit up Jamba; I've never had one. I got a Peanut Butter Moo'd, and it was pretty good. It tasted like a peanut butter and banana sandwich. & I got an influx of Immunity in it, hoping it would magically reduce my cough. We'll see.

The other singers were mostly swell, there was a girl who was quite good who sang "Almost Lover", a song I heard for the first time but really like by Fine Frenzy.... a girl whose last name was Pizza (at least pronounced like pizza) who did a nice rendition of a difficult Whitney Houston song... these two hilarious guys who were somewhat better at dancing, which encouraged a quick dance off... and a guy who sang Josh Groban's "To Where You Are" (which already would get mega points in my book), but also dedicated it to his little cousin who died at age 7 last year after a lifelong fight with cystic fibrosis. Needless to say, I cried. His song really had meaning to me.

So we've planned to attend the next 2 BYU Idol competitions, as well as the Acoustic Explosion held next Wednesday, also for free. We have no idea what it is, but it sounds cool... and also, the free part. I feel like a good, involved college student doing all these wonderful things.

Tomorrow holds Humanities and University Seminar again, after which I will dash over to the testing center to complete my first day of training. I'm heading to breakfast with Megan and Whitney before classes though; I learned they always leave at 7:10, because they have an 8:00 class every morning (barf). But I straightened my hair with Megan's fabulous straightener tonight, so it will take much less time to prepare in the morning, so I figured I can make it. We'll see... I guess going to bed sooner would help with that.