The Me's I Could Have Been

Sometimes I wonder how the "History Teacher" Me won-out. I don't remember a gigantic earth-shaking moment when I just *knew* being a teacher was my destiny. There's lots of things I think I could enjoy as a career instead. I don't think that diminishes the choice I did make to become a teacher, it just sheds light on more facets of my character.

I remember when I was younger I would read stories about outstanding young people that were super smart, or an Olympic athlete, or climbing Mount Everest when they were 10. I remember being anxious because I was running out of time to be special for being young and doing something amazing. Soon whatever I did wouldn't be extraordinary anymore; it'd just be within the norm. I never became a famous author or actress before I was 12, but I did plant the seeds of many of my most favorite parts of me during those years.

Author - This was the first career I remember desiring. I realized it probably wasn't the most viable after I started dozens of stories but got so tired I couldn't get to my great climatic idea fast enough that I gave up after a few pages.

Dancer - This is one concept I haven't thought seriously about in some time, but when I was growing up I danced all the time. I took several types of dance classes like jazz, tap, ballet, and gymnastics over 10 years. I still love dancing after all this time, but I quit the classes because we weren't learning anything new -- just rearranging old steps into new dances, and it got boring. I knew I was good, partly because I picked up on new things quickly, but I didn't put in the practice here I would have needed to be great.

Actress - I'm still not sure how this part of me came into being. My freshman year of high school, I remember walking by the posters for the Spring Musical and feeling an instant wave of fear. But by the next year, I insisted that I wanted to do community theater, and I started auditioning for all musicals and plays at school. It was glorious once I got into it!

Musician - There was a time that I was very into playing music; I was extremely involved in band, took a Music Theory class, and had even taken a lesson or two on multiple instruments. I knew I was good, but I also knew I also wasn't spectacular -- I didn't have the drive to practice like I needed. I was content with my natural skill and didn't push myself further. I did always think it would be amazingly awesome to be a player on movie soundtracks, though.

Photographer - For a while I was very into photography and tried to take "artsy" photographs of everything. Then everybody was into photography, and now the whole world is into photography thanks to instagram, so it seemed uncool to pretend I was really amazing at it. I even jobshadowed a photographer in high school.

Journalist/Magazine Writer - This was something I never considered until entering Journalism class my Junior year of high school. (I only chose it over Yearbook because everyone knew the Yearbook staff was kindof snobby... and you had to walk across the street to get to their class.) I ended up absolutely loving it, especially designing layouts. I got pretty adept at Adobe Indesign, and I remember working on a layout and the rest of the staff standing behind me saying it was awesome. They entered one of them into a contest.... hmmm, I never heard anything else about that contest, now that I think about it.

Personal Assistant - I never considered this career until a friend in Advertising commented that I would make a good one, because I often can anticipate people's needs and fill them ahead of time. I call it good Mom skills. Friends have also told me that I can word things very tactfully, and would often come to me to ask an authority figure for something. (This seems to be a skill that turns itself on and off... because I know I am definitely not always tactful.) I can also write very professional letters. One time for a club in high school, I wrote a letter to a business asking for a monetary contribution, and one teacher made me bring it to her to check before I sent it out. She read it over expecting it to be awful and was like, "... Oh. That looks good."

Full-time Blogger/DIY Maven - This is more of a pipe dream, since obviously I cannot write blog posts regularly to save my life. But I like the idea of being a stay-at-home mom and using that time to have a regular outlet for my creative side. I like the idea of being connected to other women and feeling that I could help or inspire them in some way. I wish I had more qualifications to become an awesome blogger in some area of design or crafts. (Secret: I don't consider myself creative, just a great piggy-backer! I borrow ideas I see and just tweak them a little.)

I guess the "teacher me" developed in the background of all the years of trying on those other personas. From elementary school teachers would ask me to lead other students or help them one-on-one. I always enjoyed learning and creating, and somehow in high school I just knew I wanted to be a teacher.

In many of my teaching interviews, people have asked me why I wanted to be a history teacher specifically. I have come up with several answers to that question, but none of them really seemed to resonate with me. Over the past year I have reflected on that dilemma, and have come to the conclusion that it is not necessarily history itself that I love; it is teaching. History is something I feel comfortable with, but feels somewhat like only a vehicle for my real passion. At first, I felt bad for that, feeling like I wasn't dedicated enough to history itself to teach students well. But I have found that my passion for teaching picks up the slack in my passion for history, so hopefully it translates into something great for students. Instead of looking at this revelation as a hindrance, I have come to view it as an open door to feeling successful at whatever teaching opportunities may come to me in the future, either in my family, church, or community.

Looking back on these pieces of me makes me somewhat disappointed in myself for never working hard enough at any of those things to be really good, but then I consider the work I've done to become a good teacher, and I feel like I have accomplished something with hard work in my life after all. (With much more hard work to come!)

DAY 14 - Lorraine

Today's Subject: Someone I've Drifted Away From

Dear Lorraine,

I'm so glad you were willing to be my friend. Later in high school we already started parting ways, but I will always be thankful for the time and love you gave to me. You were always by my side and willing to help me. You let me vent and always supported me, even when your trials and disappointments were bigger than my own.

I am sad that we have gone our separate ways, but we have become two separate people. I loved the years we spent together, but I know that we each have a different person we need to become. Thank you for driving me everywhere, fixing my hair for dances, making delicious cakes, and making sure I had a fun high school career. I hope you are doing what you love!

Sincerely,
Hilary

DAY 10 - JoAnna

Today's Topic: Someone I Don't Talk to As Much As I Like To

JoAnna is one of my friends from high school. We were in many of the same classes together, and most of the same afterschool clubs and activities together. I considered her somewhat of an honorary band member, since most of her friends were in band and she hung out with us so often.

Dear JoAnna,

You are hilarious. I miss that. You weren't afraid to be your own person, but you knew when to hold off to make other people comfortable. Your sense of humor wasn't always my style, but you respected me enough to make an effort when I was around, and for that I am very grateful.

You made everyone feel welcome. You became a friend to all. You were never held back by the fear or nervousness that most of us feel. I was so glad you wanted to be my friend.

Throughout the years after high school, you still made me feel special when you thought of me. I so appreciate your efforts to keep in touch with me, and I'm sorry I've been such a lame friend. I wish I could better repay your wonderful years of friendship. Thank you for all the fun times you have given me!

Most Gratefully,
Hilary

Warning: Selfishness About to Ensue

Don't feel like you have to read this; you will probably think I'm a lot more self-absorbed than I hope I really am if you actually do, so feel free to skim right over it. I just needed to think it out.

It's that time of year again where all my friends still in HS are deciding where they're headed and finding out what scholarships they've gotten and stuff. I just feel... dumb this time of year. BYU was the only school I applied to, and my acceptance was practically assured to everyone except myself in my doubting moments. (Sorry, I guess that was obvious since it's the only place I applied.) I was happy and grateful for the scholarship I received, having gotten the lowest possible GPA to receive the scholarship I'd been planning on/hoping for (according to that matrix thing with GPA & ACT score). But I couldn't help thinking that if I just went to a school around home, I would have gotten more scholarship money and maybe not have had to take out a student loan like I did at the end of winter semester. It's just... I was 6th in my class here in HS, and I *know* that many of my friends and others in my class who stayed around here got totally full ride with benefits scholarships, but they had lower GPAs then I did and stuff.... sigh. People at BYU are so good and smart and talented and beautiful and amazing. I know it's the place I need to be... And money is just paper I suppose. An education will be worth it. And I am thankful that BYU doesn't cost nearly as much as other schools in the first place, and for the scholarships I was able to get anyways. It's just... when friends tell me they got full rides, etc. etc., I feel like people expected me to get one of those, too. How can I explain that BYU is just so dang stuffed with smart people?

The Final Countdown

8 days left of class
7 days until visiting the Planetarium
6 classes this semester
5 finals to take
4 unscheduled finals on my time
3 days of pure work
2 reading days to study up for weekend tests
1 full day off work

... then HOME!!

I Wish... More Than Anything...

Ok, so the title of this started off as something about "I Miss...", but that reminded me of the song with "I Wish" from Into the Woods, so... but it's really going to be about I Miss. From band.... because I was talking about marching band with Rebecca tonight, and one of my friends from home just wrote a great Facebook note about missing guard. So....

I. I miss that feeling you get after a long day, when Flohre finally says, "Go home" and you can stop standing up straight and squinting into the sun. Somehow it seems less hot and sticky after he dismisses us.

II. I miss bumming around on the field after practice, somehow not being able to leave the field until everyone else has gone...

III. I miss being picked up half an hour after practice has officially ended and still thinking that that wasn't enough time to say bye to everyone and finish up.

IV. I miss sitting in Flohre's office before every competition and making a list of all the couples we thought would get together over the trip.

V. I miss our overnight trip to JMU for Parade of Champions, and all our traditions, like me wearing my marshmallow jacket and us getting a big pizza to share and then Kyle & Greg throwing the pizza crusts over the fence and me complaining that they were littering and us getting into a big discussion about whether leaving food on the ground was considered littering because it would decompose or animals would eat it.

VI. I miss not feeling bad for being dirty and disgusting and sweaty and gross. Of course I wanted to get clean, but it was nice not to feel bad, since that's what you were supposed to be after a long day.

VII. I miss making fun of the sousaphone boys, and Mark with his shopping cart and grill.

VIII. I miss recognizing places on long car trips because I've passed it for the past 5 years for a band competition.

IX. I miss the freshmen & sophomore boys that thought they were so funny.... (I usually thought they were.)

X. I miss pretending to sleep, but knowing that I would never get to with all the noise on the bus.

XI. I miss being able to be loud and talk a lot, on the buses and on the field, and not being caught or having it blamed on someone else.

XII. I miss everyone thinking I was the coolest thing since sliced bread for thinking of the name, "Chevron" for one of our sets. It didn't really take that many brain cells...

XIII. I miss having to carry on conversations between moves, and thus having to pause every 20 or so seconds until we did the move and ran back to continue it.

XIV. I miss the people who tried to carry on conversations without pausing, hence while we were running the sets.

XV. I miss getting out of "Celebration", AKA push-ups.

XVI. I miss wearing sunglasses so often I forgot the world was so bright.

XVII. I miss laughing at everyone else's awful sunburns.

XVIII. I miss being a part of the Cool People Roll Up Their Sleeves Club.

XIX. I miss doing nothing during tuba sectionals, but still beasting everyone else during sectional competitions.

XX. I miss waking up early early in the morning and smelling that marching band smell in the air.

XXI. I miss riding into Colonial Heights on the bus at night and getting that marching band feeling.

XXII. I miss being able to hug people while I was sweaty and gross, and it was ok.

XXIII. I miss getting special privileges because we were sousaphone players, and awesome.

XXIV. I miss being a bus captain and getting to yell at people when I needed to (sometimes yelling can be fun... and since I didn't do it often, everybody did what I said when I did. Ha.)

XXV. I miss Kyle and I motioning and carrying on conversations during practice, even though he was on the drum major podium and it was kind of obvious.

So I'm in a Missing People Mood

To Whom it May Concern:

I miss you.


Jeremy: You were always so happy to see me... your smile is so big (as evidenced by this picture). You entertained me so many times, like at All-State and District Band, Busch Gardens... you are so nice to people. And you own at the french horn.



JoAnna: You were SO NICE to me. Even though we were so different, you always laughed at my jokes and made my life 10 times funnier. We agree, you understand me, and you got my back.

Jillian: Times in J-lizm were SO much better with you right there beside me. We both got frustrated together, flipped out about the same things, and even though you're much more girly than I was, times were good. I miss your excitement, your happiness, and sharing opinions on a different level.


Kevin: You were so confident! You could take on anything, but you always said hey to me even though we were more old friends. I'm really glad we could be aides together senior year.

Ryan: I always liked you. You were the nicest person I knew at home. You were always so sweet and considerate to everyone, but had fun and knew how to do things, too. I miss just having your personality next door to the guidance office.

Caitlin: I am so glad we got to hang out together in guidance even after you dropped Music Theory. You are SUCH an amazing person! I miss your talent, your humility, your humor, and your general goodness to everybody. I know you are doing fantabulous things in NYC.



Mr. Flohre: I miss just being able to go to your office whenever I need a break. And you always knew just what to say; either everything, just anything, or nothing.


Nick-NAC: I miss seeing you every day and slightly embarrassing you when I said hello. I miss giving you nicknames and you liking them. I miss making fun of you with Chris, and you stealing my sunglasses. I'm so glad I "discovered" you and Stephen your freshmen year in band.

SACbut: I miss just saying your name... haha. But I also miss you poking me every time you see me and asking if it annoyed me. Sometimes it did, but now I wish I had you to say hi to me every day. I miss being able to joke around with you.


Andrew: I miss being able to hear about your day and then joking on you for complaining about it all the time. I miss sitting in Flohre's office every morning and starting off the day right. I miss eating at Panera whenever we felt like it, and you filling me in on everything newsy I needed to know. I miss seeing you every day.


Jordan: Even though you weren't at home last year, I still miss your excitement. I miss you singing the opening lines from "Hilary: The Musicale" every time I see you, and you always insisting we go out for coffee even though you know I'd really be getting hot chocolate.


Greg: I miss you bunches. Even though you made fun of me... pretty much every day of my life. I kind of miss it when you do it, because you think you're hilarious, even if the joke wasn't, which actually makes the joke hilarious. Which made me not that mad about it. I miss your humor, your funny observations, and your wicked guitar skills that you pretended you didn't have.

Lorraine: I miss your nearness, and your willingness to be there when I needed you. I miss your been-there-done-that advice, and your relentless encouragement. I miss your best friendship.

Rachel: I miss seeing you every day, because we got to be awesome. I miss having someone to share long-haired life with, and someone to make fun of kyle and greg with that was older then them so they'd actually kind of somewhat listen. Ok, maybe not, but we tried. I also miss having a girl in the low brass section, so we could sympathize at the stupidity of the low brass boys together.


Todd: I miss your amazing insight on everything from life to me to the sky to the color purple. I miss your casual attitude and your whole "just take life as it comes" thing going on. I also miss your hand motions. And your foibles. Todd & Chris-isms used to make my days funnier.

Chris: I miss your relentless making fun of me, that you pretended was serious. But also sitting next to you in almost every class and being able to laugh the WHOLE class period at the stupidest things together. And you actually knew things, even though you pretended or thought you didn't. I miss seeing your potential.




Tori: I MISS YOU A LOT. =( You understood, you supported me, and made things all right.


Kyle: Gosh, there are so many things. I guess it just boils down to I miss you a lot, too. I'm sorry.


The Young Women: You made being the only old person all right. It was weird, but you guys were super fun. I miss Claire's pure kindness and Carrie's raised eyebrows at immaturity and Molly's ability to laugh and make a big deal out of anything. Young Women's was fun times, guys, and I hope you realize that.


Matt: Even though you always made fun of us, I knew you liked us, and that's all that mattered. I miss your charisma and watching you work with the SODA kids. I miss riding in your messed up old truck but thinking I was something cool. I miss Ring Dance with you, and the gentleman you became just for me that night.


Matt: I miss your hilariousness. And your stupidity that I could laugh at. And your bear hugs. And your cuteness. And your willingness to subject to whatever Tori & I wanted to do to you. And your mad awesome trumpet skills that you knew you had but pretended to be humble about. That was the funniest part.

Stephen: I miss your jokes and your smile and hello you always had ready. I miss watching you lead people but then be friends with them afterwards. I miss watching you and Matt pick on each other all the time. And you trying to get out of the band officers meetings, even though you were really cool about it and actually helped us get things done. You did things even though you sometimes made it seem you were too cool for them... which I guess is a really great talent. You kept up your cred but also helped people do some really nice things.


Mandy: I miss your sweet kindness and your consent to let me laze around and have the best job ever. I miss having another big sister around.


Mason: I miss your hilarious and sometimes rude but mostly accurate observations of people. I miss sitting next to you every day in band class and getting to make fun of people together and then make fun of you a lot, too.


Christy: I miss being able to roll my eyes at your pessimism and exotic answers to even the smallest of life's questions. I miss your intelligence but then also your romanticism.


Becca: I miss your positivity and our making fun of boys sessions. I miss your drama queenhood and smiling to myself about when I used to be young.

Elizabeth: I miss your PURE AWESOMENESS!!! You are the cutest/nicest person ever on the face of the planet. I miss sitting around in the office with you, making fun of the boys. You are so smart!


Jacob: I miss your insane hilarity and how you could get away with murder as long as you smiled like you do. I miss your plans to build the Hilary Shrine and the chance to sit in the office every morning with you and catch up on just the fun stuff. I love your insanely unfair cuteness factor and your willingness to perform in the school plays... just your aura gives off funness and smiles. And that may sound silly, but it does. Somehow.

History of My Life with the Bittersweet People Called Boys

So Megan, I really appreciated your version of this, & I wanted to write my own basically for my benefit, because I like writing these things out of me, but I guess you can read it too since you're pretty much the only other one. =)

So I've been on about zero dates in my life. Let me explain.

I was in 7th grade when I met Kyle and his best friend Greg. I remember the exact day, which is rare, because I forget most things. We were sitting in the art room, waiting to meet our new Destination Imagination teammates, which I was kind of afraid of because I didn't know either of them, they were just the sons of some friends of my mom, who was our team manager. I always remember that day & marvel at how I was completely oblivious to the ginormous role these two guys would play in my life.

Soon we became the 3 best friends, and everyone knew it. In band, we always hung out together. But for Kyle and I, it was a little different than for me and Greg. People started calling Greg Kyle sometimes when I was with him, because they were so used to saying Kyle & my own names together. I knew it was bad when one day Greg inadvertently referred to himself as Kyle when trying to mean himself and I, because he used Kyle & my names together so often. Everyone just assumed we were dating, even though we weren't. No one even asked, until it came up in conversation and I'd have to correct their assumption for them. I hoped we'd date someday, but I was fine with being friends... Kyle was my best one ever, I think.

The beginning of my senior year was amazing, and my hopes for more than just best-friend-ship were seemingly more possible than ever. Then Christmas break hit... and he was gone all break plus two more weeks in Germany on a service mission for his church. Then his church youth conference he begged me to attend... and the Spirit was there, telling me to get out. Then our trip to New York... when everything fell apart. That's what I wrote my first paper for English on. Things were weird after that, we kind of talked, but not at all like we used to. After a while, I got sick to my stomach when I thought about him, and I dreaded opening his texts because they would undoubtedly be talking about our "unresolved issues". Then came our spring musical, in which we were acting opposite... which at first I was thrilled about, but as events progressed until closing night, I was crying offstage beforehand and letting my rehearsal brain take over for smiling and interacting with him onstage. Then was our cast party afterwards, which went into my birthday morning, and it was pretty much the worst birthday ever invented. I stayed up until 3 answering his "let's resolve our issues" texts after the horrendous party until finally I said it was my birthday and I wanted to go to sleep. Sometime in the days and weeks after that, I avoided him mostly. One week I avoided him completely... we used to sit at lunch together each day, even through the hard days, but that week I managed to skip lunch in the cafeteria one way or another. Thank goodness for my band director, who let me stay in his office even though he probably shouldn't have. I didn't even have to explain, I just asked, and I guess he could tell something was wrong, because he asked Kyle later what was up, that it looked like I was "hiding from something". I kept needing space from Kyle, to get over him completely, but Kyle wouldn't do it, so I stayed away for a week. I think BYU's been good for me in that way at least.

So I met this one guy at Youth Conference sometime in between the me & Kyle years during high school. I don't even remember the circumstances, except that we exchanged email, myspaces, etc. and began to talk... a lot. It was common for us to have 3 different conversations going on at once, one each through email, facebook, and IM. We thought we loved each other, but I realized I couldn't talk to him in person... I was too nervous. I realized this when on Valentine's Day, he drove all the way over to my house to give me a card, even though I tried to persuade him not to. It was again reinforced when the next summer, we went to Busch Gardens together with his brother & my sister. It ended up swell for our siblings, who got together, but not for us, since it was so awkward. I just didn't know what to say. And that next youth conference, we didn't talk at all. He hung out with this girl I used to have sleepovers with back in elementary school who since moved to another ward. I was mostly relieved. We hadn't talked in months and months until I facebooked him a couple weeks ago, just to say a friendly hey, sorry communication got held up, etc. Somehow we got into how much he still liked me. I told him I don't know if I like him or just being liked. I guess I still don't know what I'd say to him in real life.

And then there's the tenor player who was placed next to me all last year during marching band season. We are so much opposites, but I liked his craziness... it kept me in suspense. It was intriguing, you know? I wanted to know him better. On the field, we were both section leaders, and we kept each other in check. We called ourselves yin and yang, the good cop and the bad cop. He'd yell at some poor freshmen, then I'd restate the problem to them nicely so they'd actually want to fix it. We were a good team. At one point he started writing me love notes. They were very polite and formal, and I thought they were a joke. I felt embarrased, and Kyle and I laughed about them. But then he started sticking up for me all the time to people. I had some bad times with people and Mormonism, and he'd always tell me that I knew where he was, and he would beat them up for me anytime. We've since been writing... he's really the only person from home I write, which to most people at home would seem inconceivable since we're so different. What he tells me, I still don't know if I should believe it, I'm paranoid of being caught in a hoax or something. I just don't know if he knows how to charm the ladies, or if there's something more.

Ok, so those weren't really about the non-existent dates in my life, but hopefully these small excerpts of my man issues get the job done, at least for now. See my reasons for needing a man here? =(