DAY 20 - Kyle

To: The Person That Broke My Heart the Hardest

I feel like my relationship with Kyle has taken up a huge part of my life. If I have not written much about him here, know that he has taken up more journal pages than anything else combined. But I have long dwelt on the unhappiness and the unfairness of it all, much too long. Nowadays I prefer to focus on the happiness of our relationship, and what I learned from it. I am grateful beyond words for Kyle, but I am also grateful that our time together is over. He taught me a lot, but it is from others I must learn now.

From my journal, after my first trip home from college since graduating high school:

January 4, 2009

... I saw Kyle and Greg, which was so wonderful. I think we all really needed to see each other and be physically reassured of our forgiveness for each other. I am so grateful that our friendship and love for each other was strong enough to push through this.

Kyle said something jokingly about how I didn't really want to see him at the end of last year, and I didn't lie. I agreed. I didn't really want to see him. But I really did this break and I think it was so good. We apologized for our bad things. I thought it was interesting... he apologized for being really antagonistic instead of loving towards the end, and he said he thought it was because he just didn't want me to leave. I didn't want to leave either... was that it? Was that why it happened? It broke my heart. Maybe subconsciously we thought it'd be easier to leave each other if we didn't like each other and were rude.

Anyways, then he said he didn't realize how much he missed me until he saw me again... I think it was the same for me. I knew I missed him a bunch, but knowing we've forgiven each other makes me miss him again now.

DAY 13 - Todd

The Challenge: Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me

Todd,

I am so sorry. I do not even know why I did what I did. I was selfish, scared, and didn't know what was happening between us. You were always the kindest person in the world to me, and I threw it all away. It was me, all me, and I know that now. You were always there, literally with a shoulder for me to lean on, and when I had to stay after school all alone you watched over me. You think I didn't see you, but I did. And I felt safe, and loved. Thank you for that.

I remember what you wrote in my senior yearbook. I haven't looked at it since the day you wrote it, but those words still come back to haunt me. That was the first real wake-up call of my whole life; thank you for that, too. It took guts to write that in my yearbook, but I know now that's right where it belongs. To remind me of who I was in high school; the part of the girl that I was not proud of. You taught me so much, but I was so afraid to say so. You set such a great example of kindness to me, & I am so ashamed I treated you so wrongly.

It was long ago, but still makes my heart ache at what hurt I must have caused you. I know I have no right to be forgiven for my blatant wrongs, but please know that I am sorry. Truly, I look back on my life and regret what I lost with you.

Thank you for having faith in me, though I did nothing to inspire it. Thank you for protecting me, when I shied away from it. Thank you for testing me, when I couldn't appreciate it. I miss you.

Most Sincerely,
Hilary