History of My Life with the Bittersweet People Called Boys

So Megan, I really appreciated your version of this, & I wanted to write my own basically for my benefit, because I like writing these things out of me, but I guess you can read it too since you're pretty much the only other one. =)

So I've been on about zero dates in my life. Let me explain.

I was in 7th grade when I met Kyle and his best friend Greg. I remember the exact day, which is rare, because I forget most things. We were sitting in the art room, waiting to meet our new Destination Imagination teammates, which I was kind of afraid of because I didn't know either of them, they were just the sons of some friends of my mom, who was our team manager. I always remember that day & marvel at how I was completely oblivious to the ginormous role these two guys would play in my life.

Soon we became the 3 best friends, and everyone knew it. In band, we always hung out together. But for Kyle and I, it was a little different than for me and Greg. People started calling Greg Kyle sometimes when I was with him, because they were so used to saying Kyle & my own names together. I knew it was bad when one day Greg inadvertently referred to himself as Kyle when trying to mean himself and I, because he used Kyle & my names together so often. Everyone just assumed we were dating, even though we weren't. No one even asked, until it came up in conversation and I'd have to correct their assumption for them. I hoped we'd date someday, but I was fine with being friends... Kyle was my best one ever, I think.

The beginning of my senior year was amazing, and my hopes for more than just best-friend-ship were seemingly more possible than ever. Then Christmas break hit... and he was gone all break plus two more weeks in Germany on a service mission for his church. Then his church youth conference he begged me to attend... and the Spirit was there, telling me to get out. Then our trip to New York... when everything fell apart. That's what I wrote my first paper for English on. Things were weird after that, we kind of talked, but not at all like we used to. After a while, I got sick to my stomach when I thought about him, and I dreaded opening his texts because they would undoubtedly be talking about our "unresolved issues". Then came our spring musical, in which we were acting opposite... which at first I was thrilled about, but as events progressed until closing night, I was crying offstage beforehand and letting my rehearsal brain take over for smiling and interacting with him onstage. Then was our cast party afterwards, which went into my birthday morning, and it was pretty much the worst birthday ever invented. I stayed up until 3 answering his "let's resolve our issues" texts after the horrendous party until finally I said it was my birthday and I wanted to go to sleep. Sometime in the days and weeks after that, I avoided him mostly. One week I avoided him completely... we used to sit at lunch together each day, even through the hard days, but that week I managed to skip lunch in the cafeteria one way or another. Thank goodness for my band director, who let me stay in his office even though he probably shouldn't have. I didn't even have to explain, I just asked, and I guess he could tell something was wrong, because he asked Kyle later what was up, that it looked like I was "hiding from something". I kept needing space from Kyle, to get over him completely, but Kyle wouldn't do it, so I stayed away for a week. I think BYU's been good for me in that way at least.

So I met this one guy at Youth Conference sometime in between the me & Kyle years during high school. I don't even remember the circumstances, except that we exchanged email, myspaces, etc. and began to talk... a lot. It was common for us to have 3 different conversations going on at once, one each through email, facebook, and IM. We thought we loved each other, but I realized I couldn't talk to him in person... I was too nervous. I realized this when on Valentine's Day, he drove all the way over to my house to give me a card, even though I tried to persuade him not to. It was again reinforced when the next summer, we went to Busch Gardens together with his brother & my sister. It ended up swell for our siblings, who got together, but not for us, since it was so awkward. I just didn't know what to say. And that next youth conference, we didn't talk at all. He hung out with this girl I used to have sleepovers with back in elementary school who since moved to another ward. I was mostly relieved. We hadn't talked in months and months until I facebooked him a couple weeks ago, just to say a friendly hey, sorry communication got held up, etc. Somehow we got into how much he still liked me. I told him I don't know if I like him or just being liked. I guess I still don't know what I'd say to him in real life.

And then there's the tenor player who was placed next to me all last year during marching band season. We are so much opposites, but I liked his craziness... it kept me in suspense. It was intriguing, you know? I wanted to know him better. On the field, we were both section leaders, and we kept each other in check. We called ourselves yin and yang, the good cop and the bad cop. He'd yell at some poor freshmen, then I'd restate the problem to them nicely so they'd actually want to fix it. We were a good team. At one point he started writing me love notes. They were very polite and formal, and I thought they were a joke. I felt embarrased, and Kyle and I laughed about them. But then he started sticking up for me all the time to people. I had some bad times with people and Mormonism, and he'd always tell me that I knew where he was, and he would beat them up for me anytime. We've since been writing... he's really the only person from home I write, which to most people at home would seem inconceivable since we're so different. What he tells me, I still don't know if I should believe it, I'm paranoid of being caught in a hoax or something. I just don't know if he knows how to charm the ladies, or if there's something more.

Ok, so those weren't really about the non-existent dates in my life, but hopefully these small excerpts of my man issues get the job done, at least for now. See my reasons for needing a man here? =(

DAY 20 - Kyle

To: The Person That Broke My Heart the Hardest

I feel like my relationship with Kyle has taken up a huge part of my life. If I have not written much about him here, know that he has taken up more journal pages than anything else combined. But I have long dwelt on the unhappiness and the unfairness of it all, much too long. Nowadays I prefer to focus on the happiness of our relationship, and what I learned from it. I am grateful beyond words for Kyle, but I am also grateful that our time together is over. He taught me a lot, but it is from others I must learn now.

From my journal, after my first trip home from college since graduating high school:

January 4, 2009

... I saw Kyle and Greg, which was so wonderful. I think we all really needed to see each other and be physically reassured of our forgiveness for each other. I am so grateful that our friendship and love for each other was strong enough to push through this.

Kyle said something jokingly about how I didn't really want to see him at the end of last year, and I didn't lie. I agreed. I didn't really want to see him. But I really did this break and I think it was so good. We apologized for our bad things. I thought it was interesting... he apologized for being really antagonistic instead of loving towards the end, and he said he thought it was because he just didn't want me to leave. I didn't want to leave either... was that it? Was that why it happened? It broke my heart. Maybe subconsciously we thought it'd be easier to leave each other if we didn't like each other and were rude.

Anyways, then he said he didn't realize how much he missed me until he saw me again... I think it was the same for me. I knew I missed him a bunch, but knowing we've forgiven each other makes me miss him again now.

My Camera Phone Now Speaks

So Megan just told me how to get my camera phone pictures on the

Internet. And so this post is possible because of her kindness and

generosity. Yay!! =)

I've been thinking about Seussical a lot lately, probably because it's

Spring Musicale time at home... and I listened to the soundtrack as

I walked to work yesterday. What a fun time we had... I can't

believe I was such a bum about it towards the end. I totally missed

out. Here's the opening number, which was sung by me and my best

friend Kyle in our version, to accompany these never-before-seen-

behind-the-scenes photos previously enslaved on my phone.

Chris (my daddy, Mayor of Whoville).

Me (JoJo) and Kyle (the Cat in the Hat) practicing our "amazed" and "in wonder" faces as I discover... um, Seussland.

Greg (General Genghis Khan Schmitz) shaping me up. Well, pretending. It took a while not to laugh through this scene.

See, just kidding! Me and Greg are best friends! =D

Kyle trying on his ruffle shirt for his beach serving boy scene for the first time... HILARIOUS. And whoever made that ruffle shirt? GENIUS.

Me with the puppet of me! I really appreciate the buck teeth and crazy eyes. Please realize this is not a literal interpretation. (P.S. I'm really angry this won't un-double space...)

Greg (as the General)'s puppet. Please notice that my puppet skin is tan, and Greg's is white because he is one of the palest people we know. His was an accurate visual representation.

Kyle, acting out the scene with our puppets.

Kyle waiting to answer phones at our PBS fundraising drive, also used to raise awareness for the play. As you can see, things were slow. Poor PBS.

Greg, waiting for dress rehearsal. It happened to be during our Fine Arts week. =)

I Wish... More Than Anything...

Ok, so the title of this started off as something about "I Miss...", but that reminded me of the song with "I Wish" from Into the Woods, so... but it's really going to be about I Miss. From band.... because I was talking about marching band with Rebecca tonight, and one of my friends from home just wrote a great Facebook note about missing guard. So....

I. I miss that feeling you get after a long day, when Flohre finally says, "Go home" and you can stop standing up straight and squinting into the sun. Somehow it seems less hot and sticky after he dismisses us.

II. I miss bumming around on the field after practice, somehow not being able to leave the field until everyone else has gone...

III. I miss being picked up half an hour after practice has officially ended and still thinking that that wasn't enough time to say bye to everyone and finish up.

IV. I miss sitting in Flohre's office before every competition and making a list of all the couples we thought would get together over the trip.

V. I miss our overnight trip to JMU for Parade of Champions, and all our traditions, like me wearing my marshmallow jacket and us getting a big pizza to share and then Kyle & Greg throwing the pizza crusts over the fence and me complaining that they were littering and us getting into a big discussion about whether leaving food on the ground was considered littering because it would decompose or animals would eat it.

VI. I miss not feeling bad for being dirty and disgusting and sweaty and gross. Of course I wanted to get clean, but it was nice not to feel bad, since that's what you were supposed to be after a long day.

VII. I miss making fun of the sousaphone boys, and Mark with his shopping cart and grill.

VIII. I miss recognizing places on long car trips because I've passed it for the past 5 years for a band competition.

IX. I miss the freshmen & sophomore boys that thought they were so funny.... (I usually thought they were.)

X. I miss pretending to sleep, but knowing that I would never get to with all the noise on the bus.

XI. I miss being able to be loud and talk a lot, on the buses and on the field, and not being caught or having it blamed on someone else.

XII. I miss everyone thinking I was the coolest thing since sliced bread for thinking of the name, "Chevron" for one of our sets. It didn't really take that many brain cells...

XIII. I miss having to carry on conversations between moves, and thus having to pause every 20 or so seconds until we did the move and ran back to continue it.

XIV. I miss the people who tried to carry on conversations without pausing, hence while we were running the sets.

XV. I miss getting out of "Celebration", AKA push-ups.

XVI. I miss wearing sunglasses so often I forgot the world was so bright.

XVII. I miss laughing at everyone else's awful sunburns.

XVIII. I miss being a part of the Cool People Roll Up Their Sleeves Club.

XIX. I miss doing nothing during tuba sectionals, but still beasting everyone else during sectional competitions.

XX. I miss waking up early early in the morning and smelling that marching band smell in the air.

XXI. I miss riding into Colonial Heights on the bus at night and getting that marching band feeling.

XXII. I miss being able to hug people while I was sweaty and gross, and it was ok.

XXIII. I miss getting special privileges because we were sousaphone players, and awesome.

XXIV. I miss being a bus captain and getting to yell at people when I needed to (sometimes yelling can be fun... and since I didn't do it often, everybody did what I said when I did. Ha.)

XXV. I miss Kyle and I motioning and carrying on conversations during practice, even though he was on the drum major podium and it was kind of obvious.

Graduation

It's always so good to see the band members again. I sat with them on the field for a while before Mandy came, who I had arranged to sit with so neither of us would be alone. Traffic was so stopped up Flohre had drafted me to play in the pit before Mandy could arrive. After I got seated in the bleachers it was so weird not to be viewing the ceremony from center field, like I had for the past 5 years.

Well, they did it. They both looked so happy when I saw them on the field! I am so proud of them and the things they have accomplished just in high school. From our days goofing off together when they were in 6th grade through our close-knit Music Theory class my senior year, I have been able to see them each grow into smart, compassionate, and studly young men. =) Watch out, world!!


Kyle will be flying at least seven places June & July alone to study with different church pastors before he goes to his 10-month internship with a church in Louisiana. I was surprised when I first heard he would not be going to college, but I soon realized this was exactly what he needed and wanted to do. He was drum major the past two years, and he could not have done a better job!



Greg is flying out with Kyle to Germany for the rest of June. Then in the fall, he'll be attending VCU, where he was accepted into the School of Music for guitar. He'll still be living at home, next to the girl I work for. Music is his calling, and he has shown that in the school musicales, talent shows, baccalaureate, and graduation services. I am so glad he could follow his dream while still staying close to home.

Congratulations. I love you guys!! =)

Today, I Saw You

I can't remember how I spent all my other New Year's Days, but I think today went exceptionally well. Mom and I saw Twilight, we shopped but I used wise restraint (which, guess what, my sister just broke one of the things I wisely bought today, of course), we had a roast for dinner, and I saw Kyle & Greg. For everyone else, I planned to hang out with them doing an activity, but we knew that just catching up with each other would be enough for the three of us. And sure enough, we talked for an hour past the time they were supposed to leave. Well, mostly Kyle talked, but I loved listening. He apologized later, but that's exactly what I missed about him. We had a hard time at the end of my senior year, but I think the time apart has done us both some good, and we've both become wiser in hindsight. It was SO GOOD to see them again... it was just like old times, when it was always the three of us. Golly, they're such awesome people. Somehow I always find the awesome ones. I guess somebody loves me up there =). Thank goodness.

So I'm in a Missing People Mood

To Whom it May Concern:

I miss you.


Jeremy: You were always so happy to see me... your smile is so big (as evidenced by this picture). You entertained me so many times, like at All-State and District Band, Busch Gardens... you are so nice to people. And you own at the french horn.



JoAnna: You were SO NICE to me. Even though we were so different, you always laughed at my jokes and made my life 10 times funnier. We agree, you understand me, and you got my back.

Jillian: Times in J-lizm were SO much better with you right there beside me. We both got frustrated together, flipped out about the same things, and even though you're much more girly than I was, times were good. I miss your excitement, your happiness, and sharing opinions on a different level.


Kevin: You were so confident! You could take on anything, but you always said hey to me even though we were more old friends. I'm really glad we could be aides together senior year.

Ryan: I always liked you. You were the nicest person I knew at home. You were always so sweet and considerate to everyone, but had fun and knew how to do things, too. I miss just having your personality next door to the guidance office.

Caitlin: I am so glad we got to hang out together in guidance even after you dropped Music Theory. You are SUCH an amazing person! I miss your talent, your humility, your humor, and your general goodness to everybody. I know you are doing fantabulous things in NYC.



Mr. Flohre: I miss just being able to go to your office whenever I need a break. And you always knew just what to say; either everything, just anything, or nothing.


Nick-NAC: I miss seeing you every day and slightly embarrassing you when I said hello. I miss giving you nicknames and you liking them. I miss making fun of you with Chris, and you stealing my sunglasses. I'm so glad I "discovered" you and Stephen your freshmen year in band.

SACbut: I miss just saying your name... haha. But I also miss you poking me every time you see me and asking if it annoyed me. Sometimes it did, but now I wish I had you to say hi to me every day. I miss being able to joke around with you.


Andrew: I miss being able to hear about your day and then joking on you for complaining about it all the time. I miss sitting in Flohre's office every morning and starting off the day right. I miss eating at Panera whenever we felt like it, and you filling me in on everything newsy I needed to know. I miss seeing you every day.


Jordan: Even though you weren't at home last year, I still miss your excitement. I miss you singing the opening lines from "Hilary: The Musicale" every time I see you, and you always insisting we go out for coffee even though you know I'd really be getting hot chocolate.


Greg: I miss you bunches. Even though you made fun of me... pretty much every day of my life. I kind of miss it when you do it, because you think you're hilarious, even if the joke wasn't, which actually makes the joke hilarious. Which made me not that mad about it. I miss your humor, your funny observations, and your wicked guitar skills that you pretended you didn't have.

Lorraine: I miss your nearness, and your willingness to be there when I needed you. I miss your been-there-done-that advice, and your relentless encouragement. I miss your best friendship.

Rachel: I miss seeing you every day, because we got to be awesome. I miss having someone to share long-haired life with, and someone to make fun of kyle and greg with that was older then them so they'd actually kind of somewhat listen. Ok, maybe not, but we tried. I also miss having a girl in the low brass section, so we could sympathize at the stupidity of the low brass boys together.


Todd: I miss your amazing insight on everything from life to me to the sky to the color purple. I miss your casual attitude and your whole "just take life as it comes" thing going on. I also miss your hand motions. And your foibles. Todd & Chris-isms used to make my days funnier.

Chris: I miss your relentless making fun of me, that you pretended was serious. But also sitting next to you in almost every class and being able to laugh the WHOLE class period at the stupidest things together. And you actually knew things, even though you pretended or thought you didn't. I miss seeing your potential.




Tori: I MISS YOU A LOT. =( You understood, you supported me, and made things all right.


Kyle: Gosh, there are so many things. I guess it just boils down to I miss you a lot, too. I'm sorry.


The Young Women: You made being the only old person all right. It was weird, but you guys were super fun. I miss Claire's pure kindness and Carrie's raised eyebrows at immaturity and Molly's ability to laugh and make a big deal out of anything. Young Women's was fun times, guys, and I hope you realize that.


Matt: Even though you always made fun of us, I knew you liked us, and that's all that mattered. I miss your charisma and watching you work with the SODA kids. I miss riding in your messed up old truck but thinking I was something cool. I miss Ring Dance with you, and the gentleman you became just for me that night.


Matt: I miss your hilariousness. And your stupidity that I could laugh at. And your bear hugs. And your cuteness. And your willingness to subject to whatever Tori & I wanted to do to you. And your mad awesome trumpet skills that you knew you had but pretended to be humble about. That was the funniest part.

Stephen: I miss your jokes and your smile and hello you always had ready. I miss watching you lead people but then be friends with them afterwards. I miss watching you and Matt pick on each other all the time. And you trying to get out of the band officers meetings, even though you were really cool about it and actually helped us get things done. You did things even though you sometimes made it seem you were too cool for them... which I guess is a really great talent. You kept up your cred but also helped people do some really nice things.


Mandy: I miss your sweet kindness and your consent to let me laze around and have the best job ever. I miss having another big sister around.


Mason: I miss your hilarious and sometimes rude but mostly accurate observations of people. I miss sitting next to you every day in band class and getting to make fun of people together and then make fun of you a lot, too.


Christy: I miss being able to roll my eyes at your pessimism and exotic answers to even the smallest of life's questions. I miss your intelligence but then also your romanticism.


Becca: I miss your positivity and our making fun of boys sessions. I miss your drama queenhood and smiling to myself about when I used to be young.

Elizabeth: I miss your PURE AWESOMENESS!!! You are the cutest/nicest person ever on the face of the planet. I miss sitting around in the office with you, making fun of the boys. You are so smart!


Jacob: I miss your insane hilarity and how you could get away with murder as long as you smiled like you do. I miss your plans to build the Hilary Shrine and the chance to sit in the office every morning with you and catch up on just the fun stuff. I love your insanely unfair cuteness factor and your willingness to perform in the school plays... just your aura gives off funness and smiles. And that may sound silly, but it does. Somehow.

My Bucket List

(or, at least the beginnings of it, and in no particular order)

1. Pick berries (blueberries, strawberries, I don't mind)
2. Climb the Eiffel Tower

3. Be in "The Music Man" (preferably as Zaneeta, but I'll take anything)

4. Go to a midnight showing of a movie (preferably not a scary one)
5. Make my own funnel cake

6. Be good enough to gift my photography
7. Get a breadmaker
8. Open my home to a friend who needs it
9. Name one of my sons Elijah
10. Teach at my old high school

11. Have something of my writing published
12. Get my picture taken with somebody famous
13. Travel to all the civil war sights near my home in VA

14. Build a history book library
15. Truly forgive Kyle
16. Make a movie
17. Record a CD
18. See Ireland

19. See a Parisian sunset
20. Stop biting my nails
21. Travel somewhere that requires more than an 8 hour plane ride
22. Act in a community theatre production
23. Perform in a community orchestra or band
24. Learn "The Phantom of the Opera" on the organ

25. Write someone else's life story without mentioning myself
26. Let my parents know how much they really mean to me

27. Keep in touch with my band director from high school
28. Read a classic I thought I would hate
29. Watch the classic movies most inundated into popular culture
30. Go on a road trip
31. Sleep outside on a trampoline
32. Be able to recognize constellations

33. Work at Band Camp at my old high school

34. Get my license, and use it
35. Write my autobiography
36. Be a hero
37. Dye my hair
38. Decorate for Christmas every year
39. Deliver a eulogy
40. Make the mix tape of my life

Where the Heart Is

Things I've Done Since Getting Home:

1. Eat homemade pizza.

2. Appreciate not having to put shoes on to go the bathroom.

3. Get 12 hours of sleep.

4. Arrange to have my box sent from UT.

5. Eat homemade chocolate chip cookies.

6. Drove around town to shop.

7. Arrange to go to the HS play with Kyle.

8. Advise Mom & Dad in the decorating of our

newly-painted living room.

9. Eat a baguette from Panera.

10. Watch Twilight with the family.