The First Step is Recognition.

My name is Hilary. I have an addiction.

I buy things online. Specifically clothes. It started at school. But now since there's not as much reason to order things online when the stores I ordered from (Old Navy, Kohl's, Target) are right here, it's spread to regular shopping, too. I could usually always restrain myself, but now I can spend money like no one's business. It's bad. At first I didn't worry because I was secure with money for school, but what about next year? I can't just keep taking out loans...

Oops.

Please don't let me buy anything else. Today has to be the last time.

I Will

I am tired of telling myself I will be healthier and get fit. Monday I will begin. (I don't want to say tomorrow because tomorrow never comes, really... and it feels like a cop-out.) So, here's to Monday:

I will keep a food journal. Not to make me anal,
just to make me aware.

I will run on the treadmill for 20 minutes each morning
before I go to work.

I will not eat more than 2 snacks each day after work
and before bed.

I will be in bed by 11pm each night.

I will awake for scriptures each morning and then no later
than 8:15 each morning.

I will exercise every day after I come home from work for
at least 20 minutes.

I will stretch every night before bed.


(I was originally just searching for a "big smile" picture with a "thumbs up" to encourage me, but then this picture of David Archuleta just popped up. Who better to encourage me? Haha.)

Graduation

It's always so good to see the band members again. I sat with them on the field for a while before Mandy came, who I had arranged to sit with so neither of us would be alone. Traffic was so stopped up Flohre had drafted me to play in the pit before Mandy could arrive. After I got seated in the bleachers it was so weird not to be viewing the ceremony from center field, like I had for the past 5 years.

Well, they did it. They both looked so happy when I saw them on the field! I am so proud of them and the things they have accomplished just in high school. From our days goofing off together when they were in 6th grade through our close-knit Music Theory class my senior year, I have been able to see them each grow into smart, compassionate, and studly young men. =) Watch out, world!!


Kyle will be flying at least seven places June & July alone to study with different church pastors before he goes to his 10-month internship with a church in Louisiana. I was surprised when I first heard he would not be going to college, but I soon realized this was exactly what he needed and wanted to do. He was drum major the past two years, and he could not have done a better job!



Greg is flying out with Kyle to Germany for the rest of June. Then in the fall, he'll be attending VCU, where he was accepted into the School of Music for guitar. He'll still be living at home, next to the girl I work for. Music is his calling, and he has shown that in the school musicales, talent shows, baccalaureate, and graduation services. I am so glad he could follow his dream while still staying close to home.

Congratulations. I love you guys!! =)

Baggage

This is what I have been working on in my free time this past week. 11 bags, one for each girl going to Girls Camp in 2 weeks. I feel like, as Assistant Camp Director, I have to give them lots of things to make camp seem funner than it might feel like at some points. Or maybe it's just I like giving gifts, and making things. Either way, these girls will be not be going home empty handed. Not on my watch!

Saturday is a Special Day

Hilary + Mom x (Target + Walmart + Michael's + Kohl's [ / Kohl's Cash] + Panera + Sam's Club) =

1 gray jacket
3 pairs of shoes (flats, sneakers, and sandals)
1 pair pajama shorts
4 plates (for school)
4 bowls ( " )
4 cups ( " )
1 necklace
2 pairs socks
1 photo album (for graduation gift)
set of 4 boxes for earrings

(FOR GIRLS CAMP)
12 "mailboxes"
12 tote bags (7 purple, 5 blue)
3 sheets adhesive gems
5 bottles of paint
1 spool of ribbon
3 princess wands
3 squirt guns
6 pack of play-doh

That's just what I paid for. I'd call it a successful day.

A Few Good Men

I love Tuesdays, because these are the days I get to fulfill my secret wish to watch the Bachelorette episode online from Monday night. But geez. I don't remember this much weirdness at the beginnings of any other season I've watched. (Please excuse me, as we are now entering Girlville).

STAYING
Brad - Something about him just makes me think CREEPER. He was really into that whole "I'm the brain, Wes is an idiot" thing (which I don't like Wes either, but come on now). His smile is creepy. I wish he was going home.

David - Really? I hope he explodes in front of Jillian one time so she can see how epically angry he is. Swearing is just not attractive, and I think it's really hilarious that Juan can incite so much conversation from him (he's not even talking about Jillian anymore). He just can't get past him. GET OVER IT & GET OUT.

Ed - Yay!!!!!!!! What a cutie!!! I am so excited to see their one-on-one date next week. He's mature, reasonable, and not ugly. Woohoo! I want to know more about him!

Jake - YAY!!!! I was so psyched he got the one-on-one this week. I think he is fabulous (and just so everyone knows, I totally thought so the premiere episode too, haha). The date seemed to go great, he was totally cute and kind and gentlemanly (except that surprise kiss... I still can't decide if that was ok or not). I hope he goes all the way. !!

Jesse - I don't remember anything about him. I think this is a sign.

Juan - Ok, I don't really understand what the big deal is. I mean, I *guess* I can see how some guys would have an issue with him (though no excuses for the size of Dave's issue with him), but I kindof like him. I think he's a cutie, and the fact that he's older only shows that he's in it for reals. I don't think that because he's not the manliest man on the planet is necessarily a bad thing... Argh. Usually I'm good at suspecting those fake woman-eaters, but I can't tell this time.

Kiptyn - I thought he was nice, but nothing amazing, especially when Jillian said she didn't even care what they said, she just wanted to make out with him. Um, NO. You are not looking for a NCMO, you are looking for a soulmate. Yes, he's a nice guy, but she better nip this in the bud before it turns into one of those Graham things from DeAnna's season. So sorry, Kippy, but you need to go.

Mark - Who are you? When Jillian called your name, I didn't even recognize you when you walked down to get the rose.

Michael - Not my absolute favorite, but I think he's a nice guy, even if he is a little exuberant and perhaps not the most mature or in control of himself. I think he's mostly funny, so I hope he sticks around.

Mike - Ok yeah, that whole Speedo thing seemed totally out of character for you. But that's cool, you got more than one side. I can handle that. Not my cup of tea, but we'll see with you. P.S. Not to be rude, but I think you are a better looking version of Julien, so I am glad he went home because at first I thought you were the same person, but now I've realized you are not.

Reid - Aww!!! I think he's cute, and boyish. Plus he's my sign (ok, that really has nothing to do with this). I didn't know who you were, but I'm excited to see a little bit more of you. Maybe Jillian will do something special for your birthday...

Robby - That toothpicking thing was pure skill, and I'm proud he handled that whole Wes-is-a-jerk thing really well. I'm also proud of Jillian for keeping him around, and I hope you do more awesome things in the future.

Sasha - This episode he just seemed to be chilling. So I'm glad next one he will have a one-on-one to really show his stuff. He seems nice, though.

Tanner F. - Who are you and what did you do this episode?

Tanner P. - He actually looks like Graham, I think. And while I think the foot fetish thing IS weird, it's not a big deal. Like, you can get over that. It was uncomfortable when he picked up Jillian's feet and started talking about them, but other than that one slip-up I think he's an ok guy.

Wes - EW. OH MY GOSH GET AWAY NOW. You are so annoying and rude and I don't think you are even attractive. You should leave. Now.

GOING HOME
Brian - I'm glad Jillian has sense somewhere. Goodbye, fool.

Julien - I mean, he was ok, but as I said about Mike, I'm glad one of them went home so I could tell them apart. Sorry it had to be you, J-man.

Mathue - Ok, that was kindof sad. I don't feel like he was really huge or anything, but it was touching and cute when he was sad during his exit interview. He'll find a good girl.

Simon - I feel bad, but I'm glad he realized the benefits of leaving now instead of later if it wasn't for reals. He was a nice guy. And had an English accent, which is always a plus.

Till next week! (Go Ed!!)

Anchors Aweigh

Tonight I went to a concert/musicale thing my friend Mandy was in at her church. It was celebrating freedom and America and all that goodness (though I am still confused as to why it was not placed closer to the Fourth of July.... whatev), and though I thought they overdid the "please-stand-if-you-are-a-veteran-or-currently-in-the-armed-forces-so-we-can-totally-applaud-you-for-the-tenth-time" thing (I felt bad for all those WWII vets who had to keep standing and sitting back down, etc. etc.), I think the idea was touching. I kept thinking of Justin, my friend at the Naval Academy, and I couldn't stop thinking about how dang proud I am of him. I mean, I'm proud of all people brave enough to enlist to protect our country, but I am especially proud of Justin, because I know who he is, where he's come from, and where he is capable of going. The army is anything but easy, and I am so thankful there's somebody out there who feels inspired to serve the rest of us. If the army had to rely on total wimps like me, our country would be going nowhere fast. But for Justin (and everyone else!) to volunteer their lives to protect the rest of ours', to work hard when I am sleeping in late, and sacrifice when I am complaining about something lame is so inspiring. Because of Justin I feel a special affinity for the Navy, but I am glad there are others around to remind me to be thankful for what I have and those who have worked to get it for me. Thank goodness.

P.S. I got it now. It's for Memorial Day. It took me a year to realize that.

Warning: Selfishness About to Ensue

Don't feel like you have to read this; you will probably think I'm a lot more self-absorbed than I hope I really am if you actually do, so feel free to skim right over it. I just needed to think it out.

It's that time of year again where all my friends still in HS are deciding where they're headed and finding out what scholarships they've gotten and stuff. I just feel... dumb this time of year. BYU was the only school I applied to, and my acceptance was practically assured to everyone except myself in my doubting moments. (Sorry, I guess that was obvious since it's the only place I applied.) I was happy and grateful for the scholarship I received, having gotten the lowest possible GPA to receive the scholarship I'd been planning on/hoping for (according to that matrix thing with GPA & ACT score). But I couldn't help thinking that if I just went to a school around home, I would have gotten more scholarship money and maybe not have had to take out a student loan like I did at the end of winter semester. It's just... I was 6th in my class here in HS, and I *know* that many of my friends and others in my class who stayed around here got totally full ride with benefits scholarships, but they had lower GPAs then I did and stuff.... sigh. People at BYU are so good and smart and talented and beautiful and amazing. I know it's the place I need to be... And money is just paper I suppose. An education will be worth it. And I am thankful that BYU doesn't cost nearly as much as other schools in the first place, and for the scholarships I was able to get anyways. It's just... when friends tell me they got full rides, etc. etc., I feel like people expected me to get one of those, too. How can I explain that BYU is just so dang stuffed with smart people?

Welcome Home.

How I have missed you, dear Chewy Sprees.

the Name of the Game

I was talking with a friend today (ok, more like I was listening to a friend today), and I just kept thinking about how much this person was blaming everyone and everything else other than themself for their issues and problems and hard times.... i.e. I blame my friends for not understanding how I feel, I blame her for thinking too much about herself and not being attentive to my needs, I blame my teacher for not listening to me, I blame my pastor for being a normal man, I blame what happened for my current problems. I mean, I feel so bad for this friend, because they have been through so many terrible and awful things; I understand that. Listening to them has just made me realize how much the gospel really does play a part in my life... I mean, I know I can blame people unreasonably a lot, too, but I just feel the comfort that if I or when I have to go through something big like that, I can understand it, through Heavenly Father. I can forgive and move on. I think my friend was right when they said they would never be able to forget or get that part of their soul back, but I find comfort in knowing that through Christ, I will be able to forgive, love, and grow again.

Other people may not understand what they've gone through; I don't understand the depths of all that this person has had to endure, but I feel we need to act hoping people will treat us kindly and with love and respect, but prepared for the possibility that they will not be, and will be normal, fallible, sometimes disappointing or annoying human beings. I know that I myself am one of the most normal, fallible, disappointing, and annoying human beings around some days. But I hope people begin to realize I am trying to change that. I hope my friend will have faith not only in the Lord, but in the people around them; that they are beautiful and good people at heart and they are trying their best. Sometimes other people's best doesn't seem good enough for us, but I have to remember that it is good enough for our Heavenly Father. It is days like this that truly make me realize that the Lord knows what he's doing when he brings two people together. I have so much to learn.